Don’t you just hate it…

… When that happens?

Had a terrific poem idea on waking, but god knows what happened to it. So in my frustration I’ve bashed out this instead:


The words were so strong in my head
As I lay in my bed
That I felt no need to write them down.
I would find them again later,
So profound and full-formed they were,
I would remember them forever.

Two minutes later they were gone.
More minnow lost in the dreamstate ether


I care not, by the way, that received wisdom insists the plural of “minnow” is “minnows”. Received wisdom is an ass. I eat (well not personally – wouldn’t touch it with a barge pole – but for the sake of this premise) whitebait – not whitebaits… 






The Gluten-Free Trio

A big night out in Lovely Tunbridge Wells

I think I hinted about this around Christmas time, but – a month later than originally planned, for all kinds of reasons – the cat is finally ready to be released from the bag: The Gluten-Free Trio is about to launch!

For a while now, co-conspirator Peppy Scott and I have been doing our thang as performance poets at various events and venues, but as I mentioned in the summer this had broadened out a little to include monologues, sketches and skits, and songs. Writing the songs was easy – well the lyrics anyway – but as neither of us can play an instrument we were a bit stymied as far as performing them went. I had a couple of outings singing “Acapulco”, and dear ol’ Tom Carradine did wonders with accompaniments for a few of the tunes as a personal favour, but we really needed a musician to complete our little gang. And then we met David – who we had actually met over a year before singing a song about his nervous bladder at TW Forum – and the die, as they say, was cast.

So, after several outings at open mics and stuff we’re now ready to take centre stage with our own little evening called Carry On Regardless, which will take flight on March 7th at Scallywag Cafe and Wine Bar in lovely Tunbridge Wells. The evening will be a mix of humour, music and words, the music almost exclusively original although some tunes might seem a little familiar, particularly in our ‘singalong’ section. To vary the pace a little (and to allow those suffering laughter-induced burst stomachs time to recover) we’ll also be doing a few carefully chosen covers, and inviting friends to add their own contributions as guest artistes. All that for a fiver – it’s a bargain, already!

I’ll post more later – including details about how we got our name and why the evening is so named – and will also soon link to our “official” website. I’ve just got to make the thing…

Well, exciting times, and certainly keeping the three of us busy for the next few weeks as we rehearse our little butts off and learn how to set up our PA system without electrocuting ourselves. It would be lovely if some of you could make it along for our maiden flight – just click the poster below to go to Scallywag’s booking page…


Listen with Daddy…

A few days ago I posted the transcript of a short monologue I had written. This is that same monologue “performed” (I use that term loosely!) by me and uploaded to Soundcloud. I haven’t the audacity to call it a podcast, but I guess some might. I’ve a new project underway with friends, and there will probably be more sound files to come – some monologues, some poems and even the odd song or two. Chances are I’ll be posting them on a new, dedicated, website too, so watch out for that.

This monologue is a bogologue (I’ve written several) – this one based in the toilet of a restaurant where a man has fled to seek respite from a date that’s not going as he had hoped.

Toilet Humour

A bit misleading, the title of this one, but it is humorous (well, meant to be, but with a bit of “poignant” thrown in for good measure) and it does take place in a toilet, so what the hey. The toilet in question is that of a restaurant where our protagonist is holed up contemplating the folly of his actions and sharing his thoughts with us in monologue. I wrote it for a recent Read Your Words evening, where it went down rather well. I’m hoping it also works well on paper (well, screen), and I may at some point get around to uploading it as a sound file, along with other similar offerings. Please note the views of my monologue characters are not necessarily mine, so if you take the hump at anything the ol’ fella says don’t take it out on me…

Oh god, another bloody disaster. I tell you, I’m not cut out for this internet dating bollocks. Whatever happened to just meeting someone in a pub and getting talking? These days, if you say hello to a woman in a pub she looks at you as though you’ve crapped in her handbag. Or maybe that’s just me?

Maybe it’s an age thing? I mean most women my age are either married or dragging around so much baggage they assume any bloke saying more than two words to them is only after one thing. That, or they’re on a girls’ night out and just want a bellyful of Pinot Grigio and a good old moan about their husbands or boyfriends. Or exes. Continue reading “Toilet Humour”

National Poetry Day…

I thought I ought so here goes… Not one of my best, but seemed apt for sharing on social meeja on a day when when lots of people will be sharing poems on social meeja…

Slave to the Algorithm

No clickbait here, mate,
Just a beautiful forest of emerald green
And winding trails leading to white sandy beaches
With the bluest, cleanest waters you’ve ever seen.
Come feed the sharks.

No clickbait here, mate,
Just a mountaintop you can lob yourself from
If you’ve a mind to,
Just a glider suit or bungee cord or parachute
Between you and certain death.
Or you can take the scenic route if you like;
Just grab your mountain bike and bounce your way from rock to rock
Or ride the white-knuckle express to the bottom,
The longest, fastest, craziest slalom
The world has ever seen.
Come be extreme.

No clickbait here, mate,
No breadcrumb trails to lead you astray,
To waste your day chasing that elusive meme.
Twenty-four life hacks that will change forever
The way you cook a jacket potato.
Who knew?
You’ve been doing it wrong all your life.
You won’t believe what happened next.
Hold on, is that Pikachu?
Go, Pokemon, Go!

He’s already gone.