Santa’s Lidl Helper

My plans for christmas postings went a bit off course this year thanks to a telephone / wi-fi outage outrage. Anyhow, here’s a little Christmas poem to wish you all a Very Merry Christmas…

 Santa’s Lidl Helper

I’m totally sorted for Christmas,
I popped into Lidl, you see,
A thirty quid ham from Serrano
That’s almost as heavy as me.
A floral display for the table,
A beautiful, natural tree,
No needles, they swear, before the New Year
With a full money-back guarantee.

The champagne’s reduced by a fiver,
Award-winning stuff, don’t you know,
It’s better than bolly for getting one jolly
And under a tenner a go.
Their claret’s an absolute winner,
Not blended – a proper Chateau,
And the Gavi’s divine if you like a white wine
And you fancy a change from Pinot.

The bohos who live in The Village
Have tooled-up with brollies and mace:
A two-for-one offer on lobster,
They’re only a fiver a brace.
You’ll have to fight dirty to get them,
The pushing’s a bloody disgrace,
‘Cos the gastro pub landlords and restaurateurs
Are snapping them up by the case.

They’ve biscuits for cheese by the barrel,
They’ve mince pies and stollen and duff,
Panetone, biscotti, you’d have to be potty
To pass on this seasonal stuff.
Their piggies are pre-wrapped in blankets,
My family just can’t get enough,
And their all-butter pastry’s incredibly tasty
For en croute with plenty of puff.

They’ve turkey and goose by the truckload,
They’ve pheasant and quail and such,
There’s ostrich if that takes your fancy,
But a whole one is prob’ly too much.
They’ve duck and they’ve partridge and chicken,
Or four different birds in a clutch,
They’re all trussed together inside one another
With stuffing the finishing touch.

I’ve bought a guitar for our Henry,
A uke each for Katie and Sue,
A pipe wrench for Bill and an art set for Jill,
Thermal socks for the whole bloody crew.
That wheelbarrow’s sure to please granddad,
For granny I hadn’t a clue,
So I hope that she’s keen on her sewing machine –
She can knock out a onsie or two.

I’m totally sorted for Christmas,
I’ve been down to Lidl, you see,
It took just one stop for my whole Christmas shop
From the cranberry jelly to tree.
And then, as I serve up our dinner,
I wince and recoil at the shouts,
Our wonderful Christmas is ruined:
Oh fuck, I’ve forgotten the sprouts!

lidl

 

 

Coming Soon to the Royal Tunbridge Wells Giftshop…

New for the lady in your life this Christmas, the sweet smell of Sanctimony!

Created exclusively for the Royal Tunbridge Wells Gift Shop by master parfumier Mssr. Claude, a fragrance that captures the very essence of what it is to be a woman in this beautiful Spa Town.

sanctimony

POA: If you have to ask… …  

Wordy Rappinghood…

Gosh! I’ve been rushing around like a fly with a blue bottom for the past couple of weeks or so helping organise stuff for the various UNFEST events I mentioned in my last blog. This has mostly involved buying a huge number of A4 “certificate” frames from a well known budget retail blue arsed flyoutlet and designing/ printing / laminating an equally impressive number of arty postcards (not that sort of “art” postcard, you filthy-minded buggers!) in a variety of sizes and finishes, but alongside that I’ve also been writing all sorts of rubbish to put on said postcards. Oh, and I made a big letterbox out of cardboard and covered it in duct tape too. Blimey, it’s an exciting life, isn’t it? Continue reading “Wordy Rappinghood…”