Please sign my petition:
TWBC is joining forces with Dr Evil from the Austin Powers movies to build a sonic death ray, at a cost of several million pounds in local tax-payers money, on the site of the old cinema. They have already committed several thousand pounds to the project, under the guise of ‘prettying up the hoardings’, despite stiff opposition from residents.
While official justification for building the death ray is likely to centre on ‘protecting the village from marauders’ the involvement of Dr Evil is cause for grave concern, given his past history of megalomania and his quest for world domination. Some of the things a sonic death ray COULD be used for include:
- Destroying The Forum at the height of next year’s L&L.
- Fusing the town’s famous red brick footpaths into black tarmacky monstrosities.
- Burning Sherwood and Oak Road to the ground (okay, this is likely to be a popular one, but THINK OF ALL THE CATS THAT WILL BE DESTROYED ALONG WITH IT).
- Disrupting shooting of BBC3’s new comedy ‘Knights on the ‘Tiles’ starring Paul and Barry Chuckle.
- World Domination.
- All sorts of other stuff I can’t be arsed to think up.
Can’t imagine such a terrible scenario? Well just look at the artist’s impression below. Chilling prospect, isn’t it?
Thank you for reading, and please do take the time to sign the petition if you don’t want to see our town destroyed and Dr Evil take control of the planet. Or lots of dead kittens.