The Wrong Side of the Bed…

I think I MAY have got out of bed on the wrong side this morning. You have been warned…

My Facebook timeline has been filled this morning with selfies of women with no makeup on, supposedly to ‘raise awareness of breast cancer’. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for raising awareness of breast cancer but I’m failing to see the connection here. To be honest, it all seems a bit Charity Wank to me. It seems a bit inappropriate and trivial too, because I’d guess most women affected by breast cancer probably end up spending more on makeup to compensate for how shit the treatment is making them feel and because of the pressure society puts on them to comply with the unrealistic models of beauty being force-fed them by the makeup and fashion industries on all the other days/weeks/months of the year when ‘no-makeup-to-raise-awareness-for-breast-cancer’ campaigns aren’t ‘trending’ (Christ, I hate that word).

If you’re going to ditch makeup, ladies, then can I suggest you ditch makeup to protest against those unrealistic demands and the industries perpetuating them and do it 365 days a year for the rest of your lives. Then give the money you usually spend on makeup to charities. Not just breast cancer, though, (I’ve heard some terrible things about the amount of people making a living from cancer charities these days) – there are absolutely HEAPS of other worthy causes that could benefit from those BILLIONS of pounds spent every year on mascara, lippy and anti-aging creams too. Go on, you know it makes sense. The world would be a better and, ironically, more beautiful place for it, and if all of you did it then ultimately you would just be levelling the playing field again. Okay, us blokes might not like it for a while but we’d get used to it, and isn’t it about time you stopped pandering to our demands anyway? I mean, ladies, if I’d thrown myself under the King’s racehorse a hundred or so years ago to help get you the vote and stuff I’d probably be spinning like a dervish in my grave today and screaming ‘what was the fucking point?’

no makeup womanAll of that said, when I thought about it a little more I found myself wondering what a truly ‘natural’ woman would look like, and whether I or the world is ready for that again yet. Given the hours women spend shaving legs, plucking eyebrows, getting their beetle bonnets waxed, shoring up their tits and bums with spanx underwear and various other slings and hammocks, protecting the world from offensive odours emanating from their reproductive organs, and easing wheat induced winds from their bleached and epilated rectums it has to be assumed that unlike the male of the species they ceased to evolve around 400,000 years ago, and that without the help of cosmetics and other aids we’d be looking at something similar to the lady pictured above. Now that, in one fell swoop, might be advancing feminism a step too far. So softly softly, ladies, and please do appreciate that when it comes to those unrealistic models of beauty I mentioned earlier we blokes outside of the industries creating them are unwitting victims too…

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Also regularly invading my timeline recently are adverts aimed at supposedly educated middle-class yummy mummies who are apparently so ignorant or blasé about the dietary requirements of their children that they are incapable of providing a packed lunch for their little Henry or Henrietta without outsourcing the task to a team of ‘professionals’. Now far be it from me to deride the entrepreneurial spirit driving such Emperor’s New Clothes marketing schemes, but it seems to me a symptom of a sick and divided society when the two growth areas within the food industry are food banks catering for the needs of those living in desperate poverty and packaging companies pandering to the desires of over-privileged and over-indulged brats and their equally over-indulged and over-privileged parents who are either too feckless or too lazy to knock up a sandwich and wash an apple.

Nope, to me it is sickening, and it seems insane that while huge numbers of children in this country are living on the breadline and being fed on free school lunches and food bank donations there are other children sitting around arguing every lunchtime over whose exorbitantly priced luxury-packaged ‘grazing platter’ is the most exclusive… If I was one of the poor (undoubtedly) minimum waged packers responsible for ‘hand picking and assembling’ the ‘nutritious balanced meals’ these finicky little Charlies and Charlottes are being offered I would be sorely tempted to gob in their vegetarian sushi and mix a handful of rabbit turds into their organic fruit granola squares…

And then I’d get a shotgun and kill their parents… … Did I mention I MAY have gotten out of the wrong side of the bed this morning?

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Finally, on a lighter note, there was an interesting exchange on my timeline this morning about the rising cost of children’s ‘pocket money’ sweeties. It would have been easy to slip into a nostalgic rant about Wagon Wheels (‘it used to take two of you to carry one, you know…’) and Jamboree bags (a paper-bag based precursor of the Kinder Egg for those of you too young to remember), but instead I chose to focus on ‘penny chews’, which, despite the misleading name, actually over-delivered to the tune of four at that price break. Yes, four blackjacks or fruit salad (or two of each if you wanted a bit of variety) would cost you the princely sum of 1D, and would keep your jaws busy all day long.

I also commented on what IMO is the single most terrifying aspect of sweetie evolution over the past few decades: the rise of Haribo… In essence, I have never tasted a single Haribo ‘sweet’ that I liked – they all taste of glue and beeswax (their two main ingredients, I would guess) – and the experience of eating them is akin to chewing one of those dried pig’s ears they sell as dog treats in pet shops. I have no idea why our kids eat them, and can only assume that there is some ‘magic’ ingredient not mentioned (or heavily disguised) on the packaging that is as addictive for small children as crack cocaine or sweetsGuinness is reputed to be for many adults.
No, when all is said and done you knew where you were with Blackjacks – liquorice, a black tongue, a vile racist stereotype on the wrapper and the liquorice related squitts if you ate too many – and it seems to me a far better place than the one we inhabit now. No defence for the vile racist stereotype, of course, but that aside: Ah, those were the days 🙂

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And finally finally: a bit of self-indulgent smuggery. About six months ago I took up jogging. When rain stopped play about four or five weeks ago and kept me from running my usual off-road circuit I switched to a local running club (Sarah’s Runners), where I usually run a 4 – 5 mile route a couple of times a week. While there this week I noticed a link on one of the group’s maps to www.mapometer.com , where I was able to check the distance of my off-road weekend run. Turns out, people, that rather than the five or so miles I thought I was running I’ve actually been doing around eight! That’s about thirteen kilometres for those of you who have gone metric. Okay, it’s no marathon and I’m sure there will be plenty of healthy types out there reading this and thinking ‘I’ve spat further than that’, but I’m feeling pretty bloody-well chuffed with myself. So there.  Annoyingly it’s a running night tonight, and it’s blowing a gale and threatening rain. I will probably run anyway, but it won’t be half as much fun if it’s soggy, and once the rain gets past your ‘wicking’ it’s none too easy on the nipples either. Ouch!

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6 thoughts on “The Wrong Side of the Bed…”

  1. OOOOOHHHHHH Not only did someone get out of the wrong side of bed this morning, some got out on the controversial side of bed this morning!!! I really enjoyed reading this as it made me smile A LOT. I did a no makeup selfie, then pledged and indeed I have a direct debit every month to a Cancer charity AND I am doing a midnight walk with a local hospice in the Summer. If I do all this, can I keep buying mascara please?????? The ironic thing is despite those who don’t like this selfie thingy are all talking about it – and I’ve done a check so it’s working – right?
    BTW – My boy has a ham & cheese sandwich, a pkt of crisps, a piece of fruit and a frube for his lunchbox. Don’t get me started on the Lunchbox Mafia!!!!!!!!

    Love your posts x

    #prose4t

    1. Thanks for comment 🙂 Believe me, I’ve nothing against giving to charity whatsoever (well, I have but they are political objections against the need for charity rather than against the act of giving, iyswim) but I don’t think the means always justify the ends… I don’t know if you read the other blog about ‘Charity Wanking’, but that explains more fully…

      I HAVE given to cancer research this week (and many other weeks), but not because of ‘no makeup’ trending, which, frankly, just annoys me. I think the world would be a better place if people just quietly and casually gave money to charities when they could without making a song and dance about it or using it as an excuse for saying ‘here I am, everyone, look at MEEEEE!’ I do that (quiet/casual, not song and dance) often, and have brought my son up to do the same. We are both very suspicious, though, of chuggers, unidentified-bucket-rattlers, trend followers and self-promoters and photo opportunity opportunists sitting in baths full of baked beans for the local hospice… It’s just *tacky* ugh!

      And by all means feel free to spend your disposable income on mascara or whatever else you want to spend it on, but do it for you, not because THEY make you feel you have to. The cosmetics industry is VILE and getting more and more desperate to convince women of new ‘problems’ they MUST deal with, be it ‘feminine hygiene’ or their need for silicone implants. The bastards!

      thanks again

      :Dx

  2. Well ranty rant rant, I love my mascara, lippy and Guinness, and I’m not going to tell you anything about my charitable exploits. But I certainly don’t understand why anyone needs to buy a box of healthy food prepared by someone who isn’t themselves, or why they would want to eat sweeties either. But then, it takes allsorts.

    1. Not knocking makeup per se – I mean even Cleopatra wasn’t averse to a bit of Kohl, Cochineal and Belladonna, so who am I to argue? – but more the industry behind it and the trivial ‘no-make-up-day-for-cancer’ scenario. I know I’m in the minority, but I just think giving to charity should be something we all (quietly) do when we can for no other reason than we can, rather than it being a photo-opportunity or ‘trend’ (gak!).

      Yerse, as I am always keen to point out, it takes allsorts to make a liquorice, and just ‘cos I have a different opinion to most people it doesn’t mean they haven’t got every right to be wrong 😉

      Thanks for comment, and keep taking the Guinness 😀

  3. Crikey, that is SOME rant! I am all for controversial if it results in raising £8million. I did it to help my Mum – who has had breast cancer twice. At the end of the day there is no such thing as bad publicity I guess! Each to their own 🙂 Thanks for linking to Prose for Thought.

    1. No such thing as bad publicity? Try telling that to those questioned in Operation Yewtree! Yep, each to their own… That said, the response to those who disliked, for whatever reason, ‘wear-no-make-up-to-raise-awareness-day’ was by and large less magnanimous. Always a pleasure 🙂

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