December 20 2013
Well would you Adam and Eve it. Went to give the sleigh the once over before the big day, and guess what? It’s poggered! Turned the ignition: not a sausage. Well I had Frosty and S junior with me (Winona’s fine, by the way – turned out to be trapped wind. It slipped out quietly in the night and she’s right as ninepence now. Frosty said he actually found it a bit frightening – it made his eyes sting, apparently, which is pretty impressive considering they’re two pieces of coke. He told her, ‘I don’t know what you’ve been eating, my lovely, but I’d give it up if as a bad lot if I was you.’ She was ever so embarrassed; said she’s been living on nothing but cabbage and lentil soup ‘cos someone told her it stops you getting stretch marks. Frosty said if it’s a choice between stretch marks and lung disease from breathing toxic fumes he’d rather she had a few stretch marks. He creases me up, the daft old beggar), so I sent the boy off to get the battery charger from the shed while we popped the lid for a gander.
Well you won’t believe it, but it was pointless sending the boy for that charger ‘cos there was no blumming battery! Not only that, the rest of the engine was gone too! Nothing under the hood but a dirty-great gaping black hole… Well at first I thought I must be dreaming, so I gave myself a pinch, but it wasn’t that. Then I got to thinking it must be a practical joke like that Jeremy Beedle used to play and that Frosty had set me up, but I had a good shufti around and I couldn’t see Beedle or Edmunds (now there’s another face I’d never get tired of hitting – smug git!) or that big fat fella Dom Jolly or whatever his name is so I knew it couldn’t be that. Then I spotted a bit of green fuzz stuck to one of the engine mounting blocks and I remembered that little weird fella from last year – Grinch. So I get on the blower to Plod and asked him to give the Whoville police chief a ring and see if the Grinch bloke was at home and guess what? Yep, he’s out of town!
Anyway, we asked around and it turns out that Chilly Willy and Wally Walrus had seen a green hairy thing dashing through the snow on a one horse open sleigh and laughing like a maniac all the way just yesterday. At the time they just thought it was Nanook with a new overcoat (Military green is all the rage this season up here) but now when they thought about it he looked a bit scruffy even for Nanook. They said it looked like he was heading toward the Chilblains – a range of foothills at the base of Mt Mataboggan for any of you who aren’t up to speed on the local geography – which made sense because they lie directly between here and Whoville, so I got out the old ground-sleigh and huskies and we set off in cold pursuit.
Cor it was exciting. I wish you could have been there. We flew across that snow (figuratively speaking of course – the ground sleigh can’t fly) at what must have been close to thirty miles an hour (my huskies are whippet cross… as Devo used to say: whippet: whippet good!). Sadly, he had too big a head start on us and he got across the border just ahead of us. No worries though, now we know it’s him the local police can pick him up and find out where he’s hidden the engine. Should still be fine for the 24th.