Santa’s Blog – Day 5


December 17 2013

Hey ho! Well, like I said the other day I’ve been working on my best man’s speech for Frosty and Winona’s big day and if it’s okay with you I’d appreciate a bit of feedback…

Hem hem. Ladies, gentlemen, friends, family and goblins, welcome one and all to this happy event. Now, unaccustomed as I am to public speaking (wait for groans) I thought I should seek some advice for the occasion. Having consulted Gyles Brandbreth’s book of after dinner speaking (wait for groans), I am reliably informed that a good best man’s speech should be like the new bride’s nightie – i.e. short, revealing, and gotten out of the way as quickly as possible (wait for laughter to die down)…

So, as most of you know, Frosty and I go back a long way… all the way to the bar at the back of the hall there. No, seriously now, me and Frosty go back years – so far, in fact, we can remember the North Pole when it was just a stick – but what some of you won’t know is that when I first met him I couldn’t stand him. We first met at a party round at Chilly Willy’s place – and anyone who can remember back that far will remember we had some right old times round there [aside: Don’t worry, Willy, we won’t tell the missus. Anyway, it was years before you met her (that’s our story and we’re sticking to it) and what she don’t know won’t hurt her – well, not so long as she remembers to take the penicillin – oi oi! (Wait for laughter to die down).]. Sorry.

Anyway, as I was saying; I didn’t really take to Frosty on first meeting. To be honest, I thought he was a bit full of himself. Actually, to be really honest, I thought he was full of crap! No, it wasn’t until I met him a couple of days later – when we were both sober – that I got the chance to see him for the thoroughly good bloke he is. And we’ve been best friends ever since…

Well it wasn’t long after that first meeting that I really got to see him in action on the first of our Jolly Boys Outings to gay Paree. I tell you, we got up to some right old mischief there – they don’t call it ‘the follies’ for nothing, that’s for sure. I remember we met these two young Parisian dancers, Marianne and Fifi. After the show we went back to CONTENT DELETED BY MRS CHRISTMAS (Don’t worry, I’ll sneak it all back in on the day… That’s one bit I don’t have to write down to remember!).

And then, of course, there were our annual trips to the Beer Festival in Belgium. Blimey, we’d suffer some serious lederhosen chaffing on those trips and no mistake. Them Fräuleins knew what they were doing with an Alpine horn, if you follow my snowdrift. Frosty got himself hooked up with this lovely little waitress called Helga and CONTENT DELETED BY MRS CHRISTMAS (see previous brackets ;)). Ah, those were the days…

Now it’s not often I get serious, but I just want to take a minute to say that with the exception of those first couple of days I couldn’t have wished for a more faithful and loyal friend than dear old Frosty here. Salt of the earth, he is, and I can say that without a moments hesitation or fear of contradiction. As they say in the hood: he’s my bruvver from annuver muvver. Frosty, I bloody love you, mate, and I say that straight from the heart of my bottom… (heeheehee – that’ll have the soft old git bawling his eyes out, you wait and see – ‘specially if he’s loaded up on champers)…

So let’s hear it for Frosty – hip hip… (Wait for cheers to die down)

He was best man at my wedding (nod to the missus or you’ll cop it later), and I’m proud to fulfil that duty for him today, just like I have on the other seven occasions (wait for the shout of ‘eight’ from that trollop Britney, then shut her up quick with ‘we don’t count that one ‘cos he wasn’t a proper vicar. Besides, two days is an interlude, not a marriage’).

Now, for those of you who don’t know Frosty – and I say this mostly for the benefit of lovely Winona’s friends and family – let me assure you that despite those seven (sharp look at Britney) marriages you could not do better for your little girl than this snowman right here. While his track record may not look that good on paper I can assure you that he’ll do right by her, just as he did the previous Mrs Frosties. He’s made some good choices (nod to Jacquie and Sarah), and he’s made some not so good ones (quickly fix Britney with a glare before she opens her gob), but there’s not one that could tell you Frosty didn’t do right by them while they were together.

So, onto the lovely Winona – and can I just say, sweetheart, you’re looking lovelier than ever today. You know, I was half hoping Frosty wouldn’t show up this morning so I could claim best man’s first refusal. If he’s too drunk tonight for the rest of his groomly duties do I get first dibs on those too? (Wink at the missus or you’ll cop it later). Seriously, hun, you are an absolute stunner, and I know you’ve made my best mate the happiest man alive today by agreeing to walk up the aisle with him. It’s a pity he’s too fat these days to use the centre one, but I know his joy is undiminished, because he’s been telling me for months how happy he is that you agreed to let him take you up the CONTENT DELETED BY MRS CHRISTMAS (see previous brackets)

I can say with absolute conviction that you’ve made a happy man very old – whoops: Speverend Rooner – you’ve made an old man very happy. And I know that, because he told me that his CONTENT DELETED BY MRS CHRISTMAS (Ditto).

Right. I can see you’re all looking bored so I’m going to wrap this one up very quickly. Can I just say a quick thank you to Winona’s mum and dad, George and the Dra – sorry – I’ll read that again… a quick thank you to Winona’s mum and dad, George and Betty for providing this fantastic spread. And Betty, may I say just how lovely you look in that gasmask ball gown. (Toast hip hip etc)…… And to Johnny and Fanny, our caterers (toast, hip hip etc) – I’ve been eating your food for years at these kinds of events and the quality, as always, is outstanding. I’m such and expert on your food these days, I’m pretty sure I can even identify who’s cooked what. Unless I’m much mistaken, the scallops tasted like Johnny’s, and the profiteroles looked like Fanny’s. I think you both had a hand in the duck (wait for laughter to die down)…

And to you all, our guests (toast, hip hip)……

And finally; to our beautiful bride and dashing groom – that’ll be the scallops – can you please be upstanding and raise your glasses… (toast, hip, hip etc)……

Well, that’s it. Thoughts on a postcard please.

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