December 15 2013
Phew! Had a nasty shock this morning, I can tell you. I went down to the paddock to feed Rudolph and I opened the stable door and – Ay Caramba – the stench nearly knocked me in half! Well, you can imagine how scared I was ‘cos usually when he’s got the squitts like that it’s on account of the old you-know-what. Thankfully, it was just food poisoning from some manky carrots Snow White’s lot had been feeding him and he’s not back on the juniper juice, but cripes he had me going for a minute, if you’ll excuse the pun.
Actually, he’s been brilliant. Apart from one little slip back in April he’s been sober as a judge all year. Amazing. I’m so proud of the old fella.
On the downside (there’s always a downside, isn’t there?) he’s lost his lovely red nose, of course. Not that we need it anymore now we’ve got the quartz halogens fitted on the sleigh, but I do miss it. He’s said he’ll wear a false one we’ve got left over from red nose day, bless him, just in case we happen to get spotted on Christmas Eve and it upsets the kiddies. He’s a real trooper, he is; salt of the earth. That Blitzen ought to take a leaf out of Rudolph’s book – miserable old git!
I must remember to have a word with them seven dwarves, though, and tell ‘em to ease up on the carrots. They’re coming over here for Christmas dinner again this year and I don’t want to miss the Queen’s speech for shovelling sh…effluent now, do I?
Blimey, I don’t think I told you, did I? About Dopey? They took him to the paediatricians back in August and he’s been diagnosed with blummin’ autism! I tell you, it came as a bit of a shock to me. I mean, I’ve seen Rain Man and all and he can’t do anything like that. I tried him with a tub of cocktail sticks; threw ‘em on the deck and asked him how many there were. He got down on his knees and started counting ‘em back into the tub! 1…2…3… I said, ‘Come on, we’ll be here all bloody day. Can’t you just tell how many at a glance?’ He said: ‘Who do you think I am, Derren Brown?’ Cheeky little whelp!
And another thing. They say autistic kids aren’t supposed to have any empathy, but that’s rubbish. I mean, if you think about the heads of these big multinationals who outsource work to child labour sweatshops, they must be the autistic ones. Face it, if they had any sort of empathy at all they’d never be able to sleep at night, would they? I tell you, Dopey’s got more empathy in the crack of his jacksy than a whole boardroom full of them fellas put together!
Cuh! She’s got her work cut out, though, that Snow White. There’s Dopey with his autism and ADHD; Grumpy and Happy with their bi-polar disorders; Sneezy with his multiple food allergies; Sleepy with his narcolepsy and Bashful with social anxiety disorder… Just as well she’s got Doc there to help out. Dunno how on earth she does it – and she always looks gorgeous too! Cracking gal. Pity there ain’t more like her around.