Izzy Wizzy Let’s Get Busy…

I’m still porting old blogs from Moonfruit into WordPress. If the blogs are personal ones it doesn’t really matter that they’re two years out of date, but it doesn’t work so well when they’re commenting on news items or TV programmes. The following two fall into the latter     category, but I’ve recycled them anyway because there were a couple of jokes I liked. I hope you like them (or at least can spot them!) too…

IZZY WIZZY LET’S GET BUSY

[4th August 2011] I saw in the news yesterday that Paul Daniels got hit in the face with a Pizza thrown by Sooty. And this is the man who used to claim he could catch bullets in his teeth? Age takes no prisoners, I know, but that’s a hell of a come down. Perhaps Sooty took him by surprise – I wouldn’t put it past the nasty little bastard.

Seriously, I know that may come as a bit of a shock for some, but I used to have a hotsooty water bottle cover that went out with Soo for a while and she reckons he’s a right nasty piece of work… Treats Sweep like a dog and pays him peanuts, which considering they’re supposed to be a double act says it all. Sweep tried to branch out on his own at one point – start a new arm of the business – but Sooty had Butch and Ramsbottom rough him up. That’s why he can only talk in a squeak these days – permanent damage of the larynx after Ramsbottom tried to throttle him. Sooty had it all hushed up – Soo reckoned he had the judge’s ear right the way through the trial and two jurors in his pocket. Harry Corbett was rumoured to have a hand in it as well, but him and Sooty fell out a few months later.

That’s why Harry left the show, in fact, and went and did Steptoe and Son instead. Couldn’t bear working with Sooty anymore, if you’ll excuse the pun. Mind you, out of the frying pan and into the fire there, apparently, ‘cos Wilfred Bramble turned out to be an even bigger thorn in his side. And Hercules the horse was no saint either.

I wonder if it was a professional thing, though, the pizza incident, ‘cos Sooty does a bit of magic too, doesn’t he?  Or maybe it had something to do with them fighting over Debbie McGee? There have been rumours, ever since she appeared at the Tunbridge Wells Assembly Hall with Bobby Davro, Julian Clary and Fanny the Wonder Dog. No, probably the first – but you’d have thought they would have fought it out properly with magic wands at forty paces, wouldn’t you? A bit like Harry Potter, only with Sooty standing in for Harry and Paul Daniels as the repulsive, snake-faced embodiment of all that is evil. You’ll like this Wingardium Leviossa – not a lot, but… 

Talking of Harry Potter, did you hear that lovely story about Emma Watson being ‘bullied’ atfanny University in the States? Every time they asked her a question and she answered it correctly the rest of the class would shout ‘3 points to Gryffindor’. Hardly bullying, and she said it wasn’t true anyway, but a brilliant story that should have happened if it didn’t, iyswim.

Blimey, just thought – Holiday in 2 weeks and I’ll be taking the boy to the ‘Wonderful Wizarding World of Harry Potter’. $20.00 dollars for a Wizard Wand, apparently. I’ll tell them where they can stick that particular stick, and it isn’t up their Wizard’s Sleeve. Probably ;).

I haven’t flown in year’s (broomstick or aeroplane!) so I’m feeling a bit nervous, Do they still give you a barley sugar to suck? Only Ben’s Gluten-Free, you see, so I’ll have to get him a spangle or something. Will that work? Is it the sucking that stops your ears popping or the barley itself? And is it true that if you cough while taking off and sucking at the same time your head implodes from all the mixed pressures? I’ll tell Ben that the day before we go. If he screams loudly enough we might get upgraded to first class…

The references to Bobby Davro etc were ‘flashbacks’ to a post I’d made a couple of months earlier, this is it:

WE’RE OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD

I was stunned to receive a copy of my local theatre’s bill of coming fare and see an ad for ‘The Wizard of Oz’ starring COMEDY LEGEND Bobby Davro. Surely that’s got to be the most misleading piece of advertising ever, hasn’t it? I mean, two words, and both totally inappropriate, in my humble opinion. I have written to Trading Standards, and anticipate a retraction in the next programme and/or some hastily pasted amendments to local billboards.

Dorothy is played by some Jazz-Hands semi-finalist wanabee from that awful TV prog withbobby davro Andrew Lloyd-God-Isn’t-He-Repulsive-Webber, the only man on the planet who can make Michael Winner look human (ish). On the plus side, they’ve got Marvin the paranoid android from THHGTTG (the BBC version, of course, not the god-awful film with Morgan Martin Freeman) as The Tin Man, and Julian Clary’s Fanny as Toto, who will be performing ‘Africa’ and ‘Rosanna’ as additional numbers alongside all of the original songs like ‘If I Only Had a Brain’, ‘Goodbye Yellow Brick Road’, ‘Bennie and the Jets’, ‘Over the Rainbow’ and ‘Under the Bridge’.

In a shameless bit of typecasting, Anne Robinson will be playing The Wicked Witch of the West, Jeanette Krankie will be playing the Munchkins (all of them, by utilising a clever mix of mirrors and stimulant drugs) and Paul Daniels will be playing the Wizard of Odd. Debbie McGee will be handling Fanny between scenes, and appearing in the chorus…

Okay, I’ll put my hands up – I took a bit of a wrong turn myself there as far as misleading advertising goes, but nothing quite as outrageous as ‘Comedy Legend’, and doesn’t my version sound more interesting? Apologies to any friends of Dorothy, who might be reading, and to Julian Clary’s Fanny the Wonderdog, may she RIP…

God, I’ve been loving this luvverly weather, haven’t you? Spent a good chunk of Saturday gardening, mowing the moss and clearing what looks like watercress but tastes like burning from the damp patch that I laughingly call my lawn. I don’t know how, but even after days of brilliant sunshine my back garden still manages to be soggy underfoot, and gives off a smell like the portaloo enclosure at Glastonbury. Yesterday and today have been spent cycling around the parks and along the riverbank, with my lovely son. He is off skool now for almost 3 weeks what with bank hols and royal weddings, so I’m going to have lots of catching up to do for my seventh OU assignment. Still, ‘6’ went in today, so I’ll give myself a shiny for that and try not to feel too guilty for making hay while the sun shines.

Oh well – dinner won’t cook itself, and son will be starving as he hasn’t eaten for almost forty minutes…

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