What were you watching on TV two years ago?

Well, we’re back from our short break at Butlintz. Did you miss us? I’ll probably blog about the holiday for ‘Monday Club’ on, erm, Monday, when I’ve had a bit of time to recover, but for now here are a couple of recycled blogs from July 2011. Both are about TV programmes that were on at the time which probably aren’t available now even on ‘catch-up’…

JAMES MAY… MIGHT HE?

Ben and I were watching something with James May in the other day and he was talking about S.E.X. and reproduction, and he said that sperm are travelling at around 28mph when they, erm… when ‘launched’. Blimey! You could have somebody’s eye out with that! I mean, it doesn’t sound much, but when you think that the fastest speed recorded for a running human is 27mph it’s pretty obvious why the rhythm method is such a useless form of contraception. 1mph – the difference between a get out of jail free card and a life sentence… hardly seems fair, does it? Mind you, that 27mph is going to be running forward, isn’t it, which wouldn’t really apply. We’re going to be even slower reversing, so I guess effectively we haven’t got a cat in hell’s chance. So wear condom’s peeps, you know it makes sense. And stand well back when you light the blue touch-paper too, and never go back to one that’s smouldering…

speedy sperm

He also said that each of us is carrying around about 2lbs of ‘gut flora’ at any given time, which sort of makes a nonsense of drinking yoggits with even more in – all they’ll be doing is displacing the ones that are already there and making them homeless… ‘Bloody bifidus immunatas, they come in here taking our homes and jobs…’

He also mentioned something about 2 ½ pints of farts per day, but I was a bit confused by the liquid measure. I mean, I don’t know about you, but…

I considered farting onto an inverted 2 pint pyrex measuring jug for a day to see if the smell leaked out of the bottom (top) by bedtime, but TBH it didn’t sound very practical or hygienic. I mean, I make custard up in that jug and everything.

Anyhoo, hardly great telly, but a very entertaining half-hour for kids of Ben’s age and much less annoying than Top Gear or The Gadget Show. If you’re the parent of teenage boys point them towards it on catch-up – they’ll thank you for it, I’m sure. Just make sure you hide the pyrex…

Kill it, Cut it, F**k it

I’ve been watching this Julia Bradbury series on catch up about by-products of animal husbandry and there was a bit where some company has started manufacturing ‘natural’ sheep-intestine condoms, just like wot Casanova used to wear. Now I’m all for effective use of these by-products generally, but couldn’t help thinking this perhaps a step too far both in practical terms (what about vegans?) and for the potential knock-on effect in the world of politically incorrect comedy. I mean, if sheep’s intestines are more widely adopted in the manufacture of condoms we will all technically become sheep-shaggers, and won’t be able to verbally abuse Welshmen or New Zealanders any more, which I think would be a sad day indeed.

I have to say (if I haven’t before) that I like Julia Bradbury, whether slaughtering animals tolamb condom challenge our wilfully ignorant ethical double standards or out taking a nice walk along the side of a canal. She’s the acceptable face of hiking – very acceptable when you consider the likely alternative of the only other female hiker who comes readily to mind, Janet Street Poooorta. I’ll be honest and say there’s not many gals I fancy in a Kagool but Julia could share my packed lunch on a tow-path any day of the week, and she’d be welcome to climb aboard my narrow-boat for a slow punt through a long tunnel. If I had one. Actually, I’d stand Janet a packed lunch too, because I think she’s a very interesting, intelligent laydeee, but it would definitely be sandwiches and cup-a-soup only, as I wouldn’t want to be trapped with her in a confined space when she’s in attack mode…

Coming back to Julia, though (*sigh*) I noticed her on some new show the other day and she appears to be pregnant (wasn’t me, honest! Chance would be a fine thing!). I wonder if her next ‘walks’ series will have her pushing a three-wheeled buggy over disused railway lines or coastal paths and commenting on the lack of baby-changing facilities? Or even better, she could ditch the pram and trade up her rucksack for a baby-carrying papoose on her back – that would be well cute, wouldn’t it?

And talking of pregnancy, I also noticed that Claudia ‘Squinty’ Winkleman is heavily with child at the mo. Now don’t get me wrong, I think pregnant laydeez look absolutely lovely and charming etc, and when Ben’s mum was carrying him was absolutely delighted when she went from an ‘innie’ to an ‘outie’ overnight, but I do think that skin-tight little black maternity dresses are a step in the wrong direction. Sorry, Claudia, you didn’t look lovely or charming on TV the other night – you looked like an unexploded bomb! It was disturbing, quite frankly, and once you factor in those strange, fruit-fly eyes and the piercing maniacal laughter positively scary.

Mind you, Claudia isn’t the only lady on our tellies with strange eyes, is she? Do you think Lauren Laverne can see through 350 degrees like a(n) horse or some other creature with eyes on the side of its head? It must be very distracting for her, poor thing, but on the plus side when she’s reporting on music festivals and the like her natural ability to see three or more stages from one vantage point must give her the edge over other presenters with plain old forward-facing ocular organs. Either way, another lovely young lady I wouldn’t turn away for wearing a kagool, and a very bright one too if all those art review shows she hosts are anything to go by. Who’d a thunk it, after the debacle that was Kenickie?

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