Doggy Do-Do-Do (Push pineapple shake the tree)…

Well, you should know the drill by now… More old recycled stuff while I continue to get my WordPress Site up to speed with the Moonfruit one. This is going to take some time, but I will slip the odd new one in from time to time, so it won’t all be history lessons. This couplet on the topic of dog-eggs come from March 15-16th 2011… 


Went for a walk today (hooray! Sunshine!’) and couldn’t help but notice that dog’s poo seems to be back in fashion. When I was a littlun it was everywhere you walked, especially if walking down one of the many ‘dogshit alleyways’ that led to any of the local parks. Then things seemed to improve for a few decades, what with fifty pound fines and pooper scoopers and little plastic baggy-waggies etc., and all seemed right with the world.

But… in the past year or so it seems poop has come back with a vengeance, and dodge the dog-egg has become the order of the day again when walking kids to school or popping to the shops for your daily loaf of bread and pint of gin (I jest, of course. Nobody eats wheat anymore, surely?). And I can’t help noticing that this huge growth in the amount of steaming pavement hazards we see seems to correspond directly with the number of spotty little ‘erbs in trackies and hoodies dragging ‘ghost face’ pit bull crosses around and the similar growth in chubby little bat faced mollies with Chihuahuas, Pekes, and snivelling little shiatsu’s tucked under their armpits. What do you reckon the chances are of any one of them actually having a plakky baggie in their pocket or clutch bag? Yerse, me too.

Now I know I’m a bit radical in my thinking about this, but along with Chelsea Tractors anddog  poo 2 mobile phones doggy-doo is one of my pet hates. I’m hoping to find like minded people so we can lobby government and local authorities to introduce regular dog-mess patrols, made up of HUGE muscular blerks going round in pairs and ‘encouraging’ dog walkers to clean up behind their animals…

One thing I have noticed is that if you do see someone letting their dog squeeze one out on the path and you actually confront them about it, you’ll always have happened to catch them on the ONE DAY that they had forgotten to bring a bag with them, or the day they ran out of them. Personally, I think that’s just too big a coincidence, and I suspect they might not be being entirely honest about their usual poop scooping habits. But to be fair, I think we should give them the benefit of the doubt, so I propose that in the case of a ‘first offence’ they be treated with leniency, and if they have pockets or a handbag they can just pop it in there and be let off with just a caution. Second offence should be a fine, and they have to carry it home in their bare hands, and repeat offenders should just be given a plate and spoon (or knife and fork if the consistency demands), followed with a damn good kicking for ‘afters’. Mostly, I hold the dogs blameless, and some I believe actually take it upon themselves to clean up after other dogs (lurchers are known for it, apparently), but I do think the dog-mess patrollers should also be equipped with scaled down versions of the stun guns used to humanely destroy cattle for situations where overly vicious (or ‘yappy’) dogs (or owners) are encountered…

What do you think, then? Firm but fair?

Oh- AND talking of ‘firm but fair’ you still don’t see much white poo about do you? When little we used to think this was poodle’s poo, but I’m now reliably informed it has to do with the fact that dogs don’t get fed bones any more, and that for ‘white’ you should actually read ‘calcified’. Perhaps, given that all we ever seem to see these days are the same boring old shades of brown, we should add bright food colourings to all dog foods to provide a wide range of colours that stand out far more effectively when we’re walking along the road. I guess from a distance they would look like flowers.

We could have different ‘seasons’ of different colours – i.e. with Easter coming up all yellow…

I wandered lonely as a cloudchihuahuas

That floats on high o’er streets and shops

When all it once I spied a crowd

A host of golden doggy plops.



I’ve had Cilla Black singing ‘I can sing a rainbow’ on a loop in my head all night and need to exorcise her, I think, with the following addendum to yesterday’s blog:

I’ve been rather taken by my food colouring idea. Don’t you think the world would be a brighter, happier place? I mean, council cutbacks and all you just don’t see the kind of flower displays you used to see in parks and other communal areas, and I think psychedelic dog kak could go a long way to redressing the balance. You could even feed them, say, half a tin of green and half a tin of yellow and get beautiful variegated varieties. You would have to be a bit careful with some colours, though, ‘cos let’s face it on grass a green one would effectively be camouflaged, which would make avoidance even more tricky. Perhaps we could add chemicals that reacted to things like chlorophyll levels in the surrounding environment and adapted accordingly – sort of like chameleons or octopuses (pi?), but in reverse? That way, a brown one would turn bright green or something in dirt, but turn red if deposited in grass or on a concrete paving slab.

Maybe we should just go for multi-purpose striped ones? I know they say ‘red and green should never be seen’ (try telling that to a parrot!), but it is conspicuous in most environments. Or maybe we could go for nature’s universal warning colours and try yellow and black? On the downside, that might scare off natural poop predators (that’s not the right word, but I can’t think of the right one at the mo) like flies and maggits and lurchers which would be counter-productive….

Nope. I think the original idea – lots of variations contrasting with the original background colour – is the best idea. It would turn something ugly into something beautiful, and let’s face it, we all need a bit more of that in our lives  Do you remember those sweets you used to buy as a kid? I think they were called ‘rainbow drops’, and basically they were just brightly coloured rice crispies you ate dry straight from the packet. From a distance a playing field would look just like a lovely green carpet on which a small child had run with a split bag of rainbow drops trailing behind them.  It would be…………..


dog crap


4 thoughts on “Doggy Do-Do-Do (Push pineapple shake the tree)…”

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