This week’s blog is a bit of a social experiment. I heard or read somewhere that the most popular blogs, according to search term statistics, are those about cooking, parenting, music, comedy and cats, so I have cunningly incorporated all five into my blog’s title to see if my hit rate goes up. Of course, I wouldn’t want to lure people in under false pretences (heavens no! Not after what happened last time…) so I’m going to actually cover the topics offered, and I’m going to throw in an above average (in this blog’s terms) number of images, because they, apparently, are very popular too. I’ll insert one now, just in case you’re getting bored already. It’s The Musical Comedy Kittens – just click on them and they’ll play you a lovely song. Well, Youtube will play a song, because I need a site upgrade to embed sound files and that seems a bit OTT for a one-off. I’ve chosen a ‘novelty comedy’ number which will kill two birds (but no kittens) with one stone:
How was it for you?
Having touched on Comedy and Cats I will now move on to Children and Cooking. I won’t write a clever segue because nobody, I’m told, loves a smartarse and because I can’t think of one right now. Had I not written that ‘nobody loves a smartarse comment’ I might have inserted a temporary place-marker and come back later with a clever segue when I’d thought of one, but as I have inserted the smartarse comment it would now demand more editing than it’s worth, a problem I’ve only compounded by adding this explanatory note.
I’ve got a book in my kitchen called ‘The Young Cook’s Calendar’. I think it used to belong to my ex-wife when she was ikkle but it just got mixed in with all the other cookbooks when we split up. I kept them because she couldn’t cook, which, with hindsight, seems a bit ironic (me taking the books, I mean, not her being unable to cook). It looks like this:
and contains a range of child-friendly recipes arranged by month, including pancakes (shrove Tuesday, obviously), Easter nests (for Easter) and mince pies (August bank holiday*). Pictured alongside ‘AYC’sC’ is another old cookbook I should really lob out called ‘Marvelous Meals with Mince’. It’s full of recipes you can make with minced animals, like cows, sheep and pigs (but not kittens). I have included it in the picture because it is the only cook book I’ve got that inspired a pome. I was making my son’s breakfast and spotted the book’s spine on the shelf above the kitchen table, and by the time I’d finished boiling his rice-crispies I’d composed him the following ditty:
MARVELOUS MEALS WITH MINCE
There’s a cookery book in the kitchen
Called ‘Marvellous Meals with Mince’
Last summer we all went veggie
My mum hasn’t looked at it since
And though for the most part I’m happy,
And feel it unfair to complain
I sometimes wish she’d make a dish
With Marvellous Mince again.
Underwhelmed? So was he.
I’ve also written him a pome about pancakes, but it would be disingenuous of me to sneak it in under the pretence of it being connected to the February section of AYC’sC, so I won’t. I’ll just post a recipe for pancakes instead, as it really annoys me that people buy horrible ready-made mixes for something as basic as pancake batter.
- Bung some flour in a bowl. Make a well in it.
- Add an egg – or two, depending on how much flour you’ve used (guess: it’s not rocket surgery) – and bash it all about a bit with a spoon or fork or whisk or somesuch. You can add a pinch of salt if you like.
- Add milk, slowly at first to keep the batter smooth, bashing it about constantly.
- When it looks the right thickness stop bashing it about.
That’s it. It’s pretty much the same as the crap you’ll buy in the shops in a bottle only without preservatives, powdered egg, colourings and additives. It will almost certainly taste much nicer too, but having never eaten a crap crêpe made with crêpe crap from a packet or crêpe crap from a bottle I couldn’t definitively say.
I guess it’s about time for another kitten picture. This one features some duk-duks too, which regular readers will know I have something of a fondness for. Sadly I couldn’t find banana and chocolate flavour duk-duks – my favourites – but peroxide blonde will do at a pinch.
Talking of duk-duks, I noticed while walking past my local pond today that the hissing shitting machines (Canadian geese) are back. The mallards and malladies are looking very intimidated again, poor things. I guess it’ll be breeding time soon and then the poor malladies will have more to worry about than the hissing shitters. Very ungentlemanly when it comes to matters of amour, those cunning mallard canards.
Well, I guess that’s enough text to see if the experiment has worked. If it does I’ll photoshop a series of pictures for next week of kittens performing stand-up and/or playing musical instruments while children serve them food on silver salvers. If it doesn’t I’ll just go back to meandering posts about nothing in particular or take umbrage over some social injustice that sees the very, very rich metaphorically pissing all over the poor, disabled and disenfranchised once again. The bastards are always coming up with ingenious (or often just blatant) new ways of doing that so there will be no shortage of material; it’s just that I like to vary the content a bit so that you, dear reader, don’t feel short-changed.
Thank you for reading and taking part in this little experiment, and I hope you liked the kittens. I would take this opportunity to assure you all that no kittens or duk-duks were harmed during the making of this blog, and that I was not involved and therefore have no knowledge whatsoever of the circumstances leading to the cruel entrapment of that Canadian goose in my wheelie bin.
Oh – one other thought on comedy: Next month Ben and I have tickets for ‘Harry Hill’s Sausage Time’ and in April we’re going to see John Shuttleworth. Deep joy. Annoyingly, my local theatre sold out of tickets for Sean Lock even before they advertised them (how does that work? Smacks of an old boy’s network to me – do I detect the whiff of freemasons?) Also just noticed that ‘wobbly’ comedian Francesca Martinez is on, but sod’s law that clashes with Harry’s sossidge. As Harry himself would say (looks sideways into camera two and mugs) ‘What are the chances of that happening?’
*Just checking you’re paying attention