Blimey! Bit of a shocker this morning. I went down the garden to get my battery charger from the shed and guess what? No blummin’ shed! Well, actually, no shed and only half a garden! Only global warming, ennit: a big old snow slide in the night and half my garden is floating off into the distance taking my shed and the battery charger with it.
Well, I got straight on the blower to Polar Provident to bung a claim in and you know what they tell me: You’re not covered – it’s an act of God. Act of God, I says, don’t talk rubbish. When did you last see God pumping billions of ton’s of industrial waste out into the ozone layer or burning fossil fuels to make electricity? Global warming is an act of man, not an act of God!
Anyway, next thing he starts giving me a load of old tosh about nobody knowing for certain what’s causing global warming, and that even if they did know there’s no evidence that my garden and shed floated away as a direct result of it in the first place and… Well, I interrupted him then. I’m not usually one to name drop, but occasionally you’re left with no other option, are you? I said – look, mate, if you check my policy details you’ll see my official title is Saint Nicholas, right? I am, as it happens, on first name terms with the Almighty, and I think you’ll find if I ask him that he’ll be quite happy to sign a formal declaration stating that he had nothing to do with the disappearance of my garden shed.
Well, I thought I had ‘em there, but the cheeky beggar comes straight back saying that they’d be unable to accept such a letter in evidence because the Almighty doesn’t provide evidence of his existence because it undermines the whole concept of faith. Well I was flabbergasted, as you can imagine, and I asked where they got a daft idea like that from, and he says, The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. So I says – but that’s a work of fiction, and he says, Well to a non-denominational insurance company like Polar Provident so is the Bible…
I tell you, it’s coming to something, isn’t it, when a good, honest, upstanding fella like yours truly can get stitched up by a bunch of thievin’, heathen, connivin’ so-and-so’s over the cost of a six by three shed and a Poundstretcher battery charger slap bang in the middle of the season of goodwill to all men! Well, I tell you, they’ve had it now. I’m getting a complete list of their entire personnel and not one of ‘em will be finding a parcel under their tree on Christmas morning.
Actually, take that back. We’ll make a special trip to the house of their chairman, and he’ll be getting a very special parcel courtesy of Rudolph! Goodwill to all men? Goodwill to all men?? Sorry, I’m all for turning the other cheek, but they’ll be wishing they’d never heard of Father Christmas. And you wait until big G finds out what they said about Him. My guess is there’ll be a few houses around here finding themselves on the receiving end of a genuine act of God on Christmas morning!