SANTA’S BLOG (2012) – Day 9

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Pah! Took S. Jnr to the panto this afternoon – what a load of old toffee! When I was a kid pantos were proper pantos: boys were girls, girls were girls, and little old ladies and ugly sisters were little old blokes and camp old poofdahs in dresses! You knew where you were then – but these days you can’t make head nor tail of it all. They still have the camp old poofdahs, gawd love ‘em (it wouldn’t be Christmas without ‘em), but the leading boy these days is actually a boy, which makes good sense in a way, I guess, but it’s one less pair of shapely pins to look at and it spits in the face of tradition, now, doesn’t it?

It was supposed to be Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, but the local council went all PC and changed it to Snow White and the Seven Little People. The factory elves are up in arms – they’ve been picketing the theatre all week – because they feel they’re being lumped together with all the other dwarves, midgets, goblins, pygmies , leprechauns, oompa-loompa etc as if there’s no difference whatsoever between them all. I totally agree in principle – I mean, there’s a whole socio-cultural dynamic that’s being completely diminished (if you’ll excuse the pun) – so it was a bit embarrassing pushing my way through the picket line.

I’ll have some apologies to make at the factory in the morning, but I’m sure they’ll understand. I mean Principles is principles, sure, but Christmas is Christmas, and they wouldn’t want S. Jnr to miss out just because the local council’s got its head up its jaxxy now would they? I hope not, anyway, or there’ll be a right old atmosphere in the workshop tomorrow. Funnily enough, the only ‘Little People’ who don’t seem upset are the actual Seven Dwarves. Snow says it’s water off a duck’s back after all these years, and they actually get more annoyed about not being able to use their own names since that swine Disney copyrighted them. Funny old world, ennit?

Anyway, back to the show. It was dire. They had some old salt off of Eastenders five years ago playing Snow White (couldn’t hold a candle to the real one!) and Toyah Wilcox as the Wicked Queen. Now I’ve not got anything against Toyah – back in the day she could have had the icing off of my M&S finest mince pie any old day of the week – but let’s be honest a baddy with a lisp doesn’t really cut it, does it? She was about as intimidating as Julian Clary with a balloon on a stick. The kids in the audience were creased up, but for all the wrong reasons. Toyah would shout Oh no thyee didn’t and they’d be yelling back Ohhh yeth thyee did! And that was the best bit of the whole show, TBH, because the ‘Dame’ (Nurse Doughnut) was about as funny as a boil on the bum. ‘She’ was another has-been non-celebrity, this time from one of those reality thingies – Big Brother, I think. I tell you, that Davina McCall has got a lot to answer for. I’ve no idea who Prince Charming was, but he had an Australian accent and all the charm of a monitor lizard. I reckon the only chance he’d have of getting off with someone like Snow White would be by slipping something nasty in her Bacardi Breezer.

Bah! Humbug!

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