Well you’ll be glad to hear the chocolates worked last night and things are back to normal here at Castle Christmas, or Le Grande Grotto as we refer to it amongst ourselves. I Got two extra rashers with me breakfast this morning, and there was no ignoring the extra spring in her step as she danced around the Aga, so I must have done something right. I tell you, there may be a bit of snow on the roof but…
Of course, ‘normal’ is a completely relative term, and I couldn’t help wondering as I watched Rudolph roll in agony on the floor from a stomach full of half digested juniper berries whether I’m really getting a bit long in the tooth for all of this. Can’t wait until S. Jnr grows up and can take over the reins, but the time it takes us demi-immortals to mature I’m looking at at least another thousand years before he’s even ready to put in for his flying sleigh test. He’s not the brightest bauble on the tree either, so it’ll probably take him a couple of centuries to get through the written exam.
Anyway, as you’ve probably gathered we’re back up to our eyeballs in reindeer slurry today. Rudolph kicked his way out of the stable in the early hours and has scoffed himself senseless. The elves are kicking up a right old stink – excuse the pun – and are threatening to down mops if I don’t pay them time and a half. I said I’d put them on short time, but it just earned me a nasty look from the shop steward. Better tread careful, I don’t want that discrimination board lot after me.
Me? Sizest? Blimey, some of my best friends are elves. And we’ve got Snow White and her seven coming for Boxing Day again this year. I tell you, if I catch that Dopey peeing in my wellies again I’ll take my chuffin’ belt to him, special needs or no special needs. It’s not Ritalin that boy needs, it’s a bit of parental control. He’s got worse since her and Prince Charming split up ‘n’ all.
Nasty business that, though: Bad enough when your bloke leaves you for another woman, but Jack the Woodcutter? No one could have seen that one coming. Makes you think about all those camping holidays and the males-bonding-with-nature weekend workshops they ran. Still, credit where credit’s due, their creative design business has gone from strength to strength.
Saw Frosty down the pub at lunchtime. He was telling me about this date he had last week with the cute little pixie from the gingerbread bakery. She sounds a right spicy little minx – must be all that ginger and cinnamon floating about. I told Frosty he wants to take it easy or he’s gonna melt. He’s already lost half a stone and his carrot flies out if he turns his head too fast! Still, she sounds a vast improvement on that goblin girl he was seeing last year – right troll she was (apologies to any trolls reading. Or goblin girls. None intended, so none taken I hope 🙂