SANTA’S BLOG (2012) – Day 2


Brrrrrr, chuffin’ freezin’ today. You’d think with all this global warming and polar ice-cap melting going on it’d be a bit brighter, but when I took my constitutional this morning there was a right old Nor-Wester blowin’ up the S-bend. Took the shine off me conkers I can tell you.

I’m in the doghouse with the missus again, thanks to that flippin’ Pirates of the Carribean DVD. Blimey, she’s banging on and on with Johnny this and Orlando that – all I said was “That Keira Knightley’s got a nice set of pins on her.” How was I supposed to know the daft old bat had just been to see the doctor about her varicose veins? She doesn’t tell me nuffin! Mind you, I’m me own worst enemy sometimes. Before I could stop to think I said ‘Must be all that extra weight you’re carrying around these days’. Blimey – I tell you she can’t half move quick for a biggun. That’s the fourth remote control she’s broken on my head since Easter. I’m keeping it on my side of the room from now on.

You know, I’m starting to wonder if she’s got that SADS thing – Seasonal Adjustment Disorder – ‘cos it’s the same every winter. Just what I need coming up to my busiest time of the year, her going all psycho on me. Still I wouldn’t be without her. Tried telling her that, but even got that wrong. I mean, what’s wrong with “I’d love you just the same no matter how big you got”? I thought she’d find it reassuring…

Nope – so we’re both on diets in the New Year, I’ve been told. “But I’m already on a diet” I said, “a seafood diet”.

She rolled her eyes, “yeah, yeah,” she said “you see food and you eat it”.

“No” I says, quick as a flash, “It’s the Lobster diet – whatever you lobster-wards me, I’ll give it a bloody good go!” I nearly got a smile with that one. Must remember to pass it on to the guys at the cracker factory – there’s gotta be a drink in it.

It’s funny, though, when you’ve been together a few years everything seems to have a special meaning. That joke, see, reminded me of our first proper date. She’d invited me round her place for a meal, and I thought she had said she’d make me a coq au vin. Turned out she’d said she’d take me to the cockle van. I tell you, it started with cockles but I pulled a few muscles that night! Bless her… I’d be nowt without her. I’ll buy her some chocs later, see if I can win her round. I hate it when she’s not happy 😦

Rudolph’s outflow seems to be drying out a bit. He’s still blummin’ windy though. I tell you, he’s definitely going up the front of the sleigh even if we have got new quartz halogen headlights fitted. I’ll put Blitzen behind him – he’s got no sense of smell at all since he stuck his nose in that badger set.

Ho Hum

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