Hello again…

Last time I was here I mentioned UNFEST, a weekend of  free music and art that unfolds over several venues in Tunbridge Wells throughout the May Bank Holiday weekend. For me Unfest kicked off last night with a reading night (Read Your Words for Unfest) at Javabean cafe. I would have loved to have gone on to the first night launch party at The Forum, but alas my son had to get up for college so a late one wasn’t on the cards. We will make up for that tonight.

Talking of cards*, I also mentioned ‘Postcards from the Hedge’ – an interactive project asking visitors to Unfest to post messages – poetry, art, flash fiction, whatever – for us to share throughout the weekend. This year there are three ‘postboxes’ – one at Javabean, one at The Forum, and one at the Library and Art Gallery. If you’re passing, pick up a card, grab a pen and drop us a line. A small selection of last year’s postcards were used to make a promotional video:

A Poem…

I was asked to upload an audio file for UNFEST, a local music and arts festival taking place in Tunbridge Wells at the end of May. Having gone to the trouble of making the recording I thought I might as well bung it up here too.

I’ve contributed to Unfest in various ways over past few years, and this year will be reading some of me poems (how very Pam Ayres!) as well as contributing art and words for three different venues. We will also be organising the Now-World-Famous-In-Tunbridge-Wells “Postcards from the Hedge” letterboxes again, offering those attending the festival an
opportunity to get involved themselves.

Anyhoo, here’s the poem. Sorry, if it sounds a bit ‘ringy’ – the Unfest app needed MP3 format, and then Soundcloud appears to have compressed it again.

 

I’m Having a Faaaag. Strawberry Flavoured.

When I was little my mum would give me sixpence for going to the shop to buy her fags. I would become so engrossed in choosing sweets from the long line of jars behind Jack Wilson’s counter that I would lose all track of time. The jars were filled with brightly shining jewels in myriad colours, and sixpence, spent carefully, could garner a whole quarter of pick and mix. Sometimes I spent so long looking that my mum, desperate for her snout, dispatched my older brother to find me and drag me home. I think I might have wet myself occasionally when the excitement got too much…

Today I popped into my corner newsagent to buy a natural yoghurt to enhance our curry tonight. A middle-aged woman was poking through a huge selection box of flavoured ‘vape’ refills. She had a strawberry and a raspberry but couldn’t make up her mind what to spend her next £24.00 on. Twat.

As I typed the above I remembered I had written a poem about the sweet shopping experience. It’s a kid’s poem really, but you might like it. It’s HERE

New Product Added to “Lob-It” Range…

Hello dear reader, been a while hasn’t it? I won’t apologise again for the lack of recent posts because quite frankly my promises of improved productivity are starting to sound a bit lame even to my ear. I do intend at some point starting a couple of new sites – one dedicated to my ‘grown up’ writing and poetry and one for kids stuff – because while this one amuses me (and hopefully you too) it’s not necessarily a good showcase for my work, being a bit too tongue-in-cheek and diverse. I’ll still use this site for my rants and randoms though. Talking of which…

While out running today I noticed that there seems to have been a bit of a cull on regular dog breeds, and it appears that Pug-Fuggly Pugs have displaced Chihuahuas as this season’s Pooch of Choice for bat-faced teenage girls to tuck under their arms while walking in the park. Now that’s not necessarily a bad thing – regular readers will know of my distaste for ugly little sacks of yip Chihuahuas – but by the same token I’m wary when any breed of mutt becomes a fashion accessory, because it’s only a matter of time before fashions change. I mean, I saw three or four people daft enough to spend their cash on dungarees last summer after they were tipped as the NEXT BIG THING, and we all know how quickly that idea tanked. And much as I hate Chihuahuas I can’t help wondering where all the yappy little feckers have gone, and how many vile pug farms have sprung up in their wake selling vaguely pug-like crossbreeds at £500 a pop to people who will quickly come to realise they’ve been sold a genetically-compromised and constitutionally feeble inbred pup?

Oh, and I also noticed that dog eggs are on the increase again, and while I hate to point the finger at bat-faced teenage girls with pugs and spotty-little-herbert teenage boys with things resembling pitbulls I can’t help but feel that the two things are related. But I digress…

Coming back to the topic of this post, I realised following today’s run that there’s a gap opened in the ‘Lob-It’ range of dog accessories I launched a few months ago. Addressing that, here are details of the NEW IMPROVED range, including the all-new “PUG-WHANGER”.  Available now from all good virtual retailers…

Same crap…

Different year. Yes, the same tired ol’ visual pun recycled yet AGAIN. It’s my memory, you see – I always forget until the last minute and then it’s too late. Still, it’s the thought that counts and even though I only thought of it a moment ago I do heartily wish you all the very best for 2017.  Let’s hope it’s a better one than 2016, which was a bit shit.